I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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