This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
