don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
