hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
