you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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