i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
