I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Pants are for mortals
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
