I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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