I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There are leaves in my underwear?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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