I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize