very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
