3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize