Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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