Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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