i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
