After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize