Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
