If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
