There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
