see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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