Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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