There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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