Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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