there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
worst night to have a conscience
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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