Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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