this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
