i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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