I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
