It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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