hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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