I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
