Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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