I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
