I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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