he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
