In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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