Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
