nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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