Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Randomize
