How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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