My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
