Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
