Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
