Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
