dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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