I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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