Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
