Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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