shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
