First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
