Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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