I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Vodka?
Forever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
