Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
