she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
