he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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