The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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