My friends, they love my intelligence
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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