I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
