I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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