I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
